Open letter: To the one I miss

September 15, 2018

Dear the one I miss.

 

Do you remember when we first met?  We were seated next to each other in class and you were very quiet.  I was looking for my favourite green colouring pencil and you looked at me like I was a weirdo.  But I was clearly the type of weirdo you liked.  We became best friends fast.

 

There was a little trio of us to start with, but the third one drifted away a little.  But there was always you and me.  Even when a larger group of friends started forming, there was always us.

 

Us against the world.

 

When I started planning these letters, I knew this would be one of the hardest.  I feel like I have abandoned you.

 

I worry about you.  I want to know if you're safe.  I want to know if you're eating properly, looking after yourself and managing to spend time with your family.  Family is important, you taught me that.

 

I remember when you were my family.  It's hard for me to think about those times.

 

You were the only person I felt like I could rely on, the only person that would deal with every shitty thing I would throw at you or every shitty situation I would find myself in.  You were the one that told me things as it was, and you are the one that I STILL want to turn to in my times of need, times of feeling low and times of happiness.  But I can't.  And it's my fault.

 

I cried my eyes out the night before my wedding.  I wanted you, I needed you, and you weren't there.  It was my fault, but all I wanted to do was call you and beg you to come back.  But I couldn't.  Don't get me wrong, one of my beautiful girls was by my side that night and she made me smile and laugh and just be happy that I was marrying my soulmate, but I still missed you deep down.

 

Then you messaged me in the morning.  You sent me some songs and you made me cry again.

 

I got cuddles from my all of beautiful girls, and my gorgeous niece, and later on my new husband, but I felt a void.  And when I look at the photos from that day, it isn't just my Grandfather that is missing.  There is an empty space where you should have been too.  But it's my fault.   Someone who used to be like family to me, and now you're a stranger.  And it's my fault.

 

All I want is a sign that you are okay and that you're safe.

 

I need to know.

 

Emma xxx

 

P.S. Miss you like crazy

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